There couldn't be a fairer trade.

like no other familiarity.

2006-06-30T16:43:00.000+08:00

As you embraced me with your hands, as your large palms hovered me neck, it felt comfortable. Like I was only a step away from happiness.

If I never make it back, please don't mourn.

Please don't say you're sorry.

2006-06-17T12:00:00.000+08:00

To hell with every living male species on this friggin planet.

I feel so hollow inside that I fear floating away, like a helium ballon so high you can hardly see the faintest splash of colour. Despite the cups after cups of Tequila I took, nothing could level up the bittersweet blood that ran in me. In fact, the more I drank, the more sober I felt, surprisingly. There's something that makes the world go round, which I simply can't put my finger on. You don't have to be all angular and lean to be sexy, you don't have to an adult to have grown up and you don't have to cry when you're awake. By the river, I gazed at the moon, for once, I questioned myself if that really was the moon.

I hate the way the world works. What gives man the reason to commit infidelity when his wife can't conceive and not vice versa?
What gives man the reason to shag pretty babes when his wife rule over him?
Like who even gave man the priority to call the shots? Or to domineer?
Fuck these rules, its the 21st century.

Club hopped last night. Happy was hell good, but by the time I got there, my legs were on the verge of shattering into a million pieces. Men and boys were walking out with the-I -am-gay-and-I-just-came-out-of-a-gay-club eyes, the sneaky sort. And then I realise, I'm not the only one left on earth wrapped up in a cocoon, keeping the raw meat of me away from half of my world.

I feel lonely, empty.

F U C K .

2006-06-13T17:42:00.000+08:00

FUCK BLOGGER FOR WORKING SO DAMN SLOWLY. FUCK MY ROOM FOR BEING SO MESSY. FUCK THE LOST NOTES. FUCK CONTINOUS RANDOM VARIABLE. FUCK MATH TUITION. FUCK THE PEOPLE FOR BEING SO GAY. FUCK MID-YEARS. FUCK ALEVELS. FUCK UNIVERSITY ENTRY. FUCK THE NECKACHE I'VE GOTTEN. FUCK THE SLUTS AND WHORES. FUCK THE PLAYBOYS AND BLOKES. FUCK THE F BUTTON ON THE KEYBOARD THATS ABOUT TO POP.

FUCKFUCKFUCK!

abstract art.

2006-06-06T22:54:00.000+08:00

In my sleep, nightmares of you and her flood my dream bubble. I weep in my sleep. When I opt for some shut eye instead, I'm forced to watch a video of you and her, replaying over and over again, underneath my eyelids. I've used up whatever was inside me long ago. At nights, I look for places like me:hollow. Long forgotten by most. I'm pretty much just a home to an extended family of failures, bad memories and probably a tinge of bitchy-ness. Did I not have done it then, I would have done it sooner. I hope you'd see things my way.

I'm sorry, I'm just ain't that forgiving.

This is Forgery.

2006-06-05T21:16:00.000+08:00

Lies - A false statement deliberately presented as being true.
Temptation - An invitation or an attraction to a wrong doing.
Do you need me to redefine them?

Human's greed for opportunities has left me in rage. Another defination for you.
Chance - A favorable set of circumstances; an opportunity.

I gave you more than my fingers and toes add together, still. I'm worn out from even caring, you've squeezed me dry with your incompetence, childish acts and empty promises. Every holocaust comes from a mild ember with kerosene constantly topped up on it. In your case, your lies were the kerosene, just far more in quantity. Some still lie dormant, ready to explode right in front of me any moment. You've overstayed your welcome, I'd be really glad if you could leave now.

With a SPLENDID beginning to tide along the wave of the great singapore sale - 2 pair of shoes and a lovely straw bag :)

The distant ones sense your misery and call to love, thats how true you know they actually are to you. Its pretty amazing how close we live but yet our paths never meet, unless of course we chose to. Meeting good friends after a long while could never been better. You both certainly did brighten up my day and thanks!

Rumour has it that kcians had this reputation of really being sluttish and bimbotic. Never did I expect such sluts to actually exist within my circle of friends, perhaps toward to outer circumference of it. Nevertheless, I'm proud to be one.

Its pretty awkward when tables turn on you and those you thought were your close friends have never been really that true. Shieldings facts I know behind the smiles and laughters we share is going to bring nothing but harm to this friendship. Why wouldn't you let me know anyway? Okay, so maybe I'm not given a position to comment here. Give the fact I lead a double life - inside and outide school. Tempted I am, ever ready to grate off my rind. By then, people would probably shun me like some kind of alien. On the second thought, I hesitate to proceed on.

If anyone could just help me out a little. I'd be of great thanks.

576nights and a rainy day.

2006-05-27T13:08:00.000+08:00

Every day seem like night, and with each night passing, it gets darker and silent. I dread each minute ticking away more than hearing the alarm for school on monday mornings. Yet, what I never thought of you, just flashed right by me. I've given up on crying, its just not the right remedy. Its an untitled soul.

Every happy moment spent with you, comes with an upsetting flashback. Whats left to reminisce of us?

Emotions influx.

2006-05-14T21:34:00.000+08:00

What could get any worse? A screwed relationship and an even crankier family.

You wouldn't even know how it feels, cause you're never the inferior. With him being everything, and you being nothing. The overdose of vodkas and baileys wouldn't even be enough to tear the pain off me. A full-package including empty promises, the most hurtful words from the horse's mouth, break-ups and a forgotten guest at a family dinner.

Like how she practically forced me to gobble down the words I once vomitted out. I NEVER HATED MY BROTHER FOR GOD DAMN SAKE. I've always wanted a brother with all ears open, who'd see things my way FOR ONCE. Well, after 6 years of golden silence or so, it seems like we're halfway there, yet not even close. Somehow, I'd choose little squabbles and violence over the silence in which you could even hear the snore of the little dog.

School's been hectic. Tutorials are moving are unbelivable speeds and I'm all tied up with tournaments and a pulled muscle. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to take my A's, I don't want to feel the sunrays on my skin, I just want to give up and deny myself of reality. Its like a thrillion folds of stress you get from deciding between skittles or M&Ms.

Thankgod for good friends, really sweet ones :) Believe they were simply god-sent.

I swear you guys are seriously the sweeetest peas around(though I've never tasted one). Knowing I've been going through GREAT shits from family, relationships and school, you buds showered me with care and concern, lightening my workload where possible. I owe you so much :)

Simply whats left of me?

I've lost all courage.

2006-04-26T20:48:00.000+08:00

The rain, yes it did, hid the actual fact that streaks of tears were streaming continously down my eyes. The ship set sail, away from the lighthouse that once lit its route. When the last glimpse of sunlight vanished, darkness once again, dawned on me. I seek solace in the straying kittens, as I just walked and walked on - aimlessly.

I walked away, I don't want my eyes clinging onto your shawdow as it diminishes. I'm turning cold and no, I'm never turning back. You used that pair of hands, the one you fondled me with, loved me with and dote on me with and hit me with, to hold another girl in your arms and yet still, leaving another girl's stain on me. filthy faggot.

You owe me far too much, and I don't want this debt growing.

Its all alright for you, you'd never felt remorseful anyway. You haven't, not from the first and since countless times you've cheated on me. I gather my hatred, to tackle the pain.

Scream at me, and I'd give you back two-folds.

2006-04-24T19:49:00.000+08:00

POST EXAM SHOPPINGS ARE ALWAYS THE BEST :)

Bought lots. The PERFECT(FLAWLESS) faded demin mini from topshop, especially when I'm really fussy over my clothes. A whooping $79bucks though and finally got my levi's square cuts. After all the BIG HOO-HAAS over falsies, I decided to get hands-on with them.

Falsies from MAC and glue from Shu Umeru(not recommended as the glue did not turn transperant).

The effect, pretty natural but might need a little trimming.

I've been massively training for the upcoming tournament, our opponents - RJ, TPJ and NJ. I realise how much I've not been interacting, like devoided of some kind of human contact that I actually drew back upon meeting old friends. It was a good meeting anyway. I had SSC's buffet and I had like 5 BOWLS of the same salted vegetable soup :)

As to my personal feelings, I'M STILL FUCKING FINE.

The emotional wrought.

2006-04-06T19:32:00.000+08:00

I've lost absolute control over my emotions, I've been crying day in day out. I'm all worn out now. I'm trapped in a no-win sticky situation, no matter which way I look, which bus I board or which path I walk, it'd still be a dead end up ahead. I can't wait for all these to be over, when I can smile again, an unfeigned one.

With every sentence you spoke, each word and tone got harsher. I'm fagged, thats that.

Use the body as the canvas to your soul.

2006-04-03T21:19:00.000+08:00

I was forced to sit in front of the television with my dad to watch some kinda piercing show on central. And my mom was seriously being a nag about "Your daughter's one of them too." I've only got 1 naval piercing and used to have 1 tongue piercing, lobe piercings aren't exactly that big a deal, nothing is. Parents these days, or rather, teenagers these days.

He makes me realise.
I think Zhang Dong Liang(I think thats how you spell it) is cute.

I battle myself to sleep.

2006-03-20T23:50:00.000+08:00

So am I suppose to be a bloody cold-hearted cunt?

The horrors of last night's events rummage through my heart and soul and somehow found a nice cosy spot to settle in, permanently. Am I to succumb myself to this miserable life? Bruised both physically and mentally, I still think breaking away is less apt to occur, somehow. How much more clemency am I able to show you?

I lay in bed, with my eyes shut and my mind un-eased. All the past happy and upsetting moments have seemed to engulfed me up, which wouldn't stop me from thinking.

Drum lessons for me have been put to a halt with effect from April, means its only 1 lesson more :( Though there can be some rather loathsome bugs that hit the drums like some muscle-maniac, virtually tearing my ear drums. I've still yet to do my post-chinese new year shopping. Haah.

Sunday's bus ride.

2006-03-12T20:51:00.000+08:00

FINALLY, THE LONG AWAITED BREAK.

I was invited to my guy's place for steamboat. And he got me a little pricey surprise, actually two.

A bouquet of 16 geberas, MY DARN FAVOURITE.
16 months of love :D

CANDY BOX filled with all my favourite sweets.

Got my brows done.

Sunday equates to swamps after swamps of HUMAN BEINGS packed together like sardines, literally, EVERYWHERE! But one thing I really like about sundays, is the fact that you'd tend to see familiar faces no matter where you look. I spotted a few today, but surprisingly I didn't greet any of them, neither did they. Its pretty fun to walk right past them, look them in the eye and guess if they'd ever recognise me under my thick dolly make up. Sort of like mind games, okay, cheap thrill.

Novel Review.

2006-03-08T21:32:00.000+08:00

Tests after tests, finally I'm done with every single one of them :) Been spending quite a bit lately.

My new fossil watch which cost me $140.
Its two-toned champagne-coloured with weavings, pretty classy.

A causal snap of my boy and I.

Did a little shopping with my mom today, and got 2 new novels. Looking at the pile of books I've collected, I thought I'd do a simple book review of what I've read.

#1 in place. Cecelia Ahern - If you could see me now.
Rating: 4.5/5 (Due to the fact that I could tell how the ending was gonna be like midway through the book.)

Latest book by her, a definately MUST read. Sure to twirl your mind up in friendships and relationships. Don't miss the other reads by Cecelia - "P.S. I love you" and "Where rainbows end". Touching romance novels that's set to get your tear ducts working.

#2 in place. Lisa Jewell - Vince and Joy.
Rating: 4/5 (Typical, yet sticky.)

Typical sweet summer read - guy fall for girl and vice versa. Share their first time, leave without a word and meet up again under totally IMPOSSIBLE CIRCUMSTANCES many years later. A book that'd definately kept you glued to. Not to miss any of her other novels, every single one of them is gonna tingle your heart.

If you simply prefer romance novels, you could always opt for:
Kathleen Flynn - Beyond the Blonde
Rating: 3.5/5 (I wouldn't catogerize is under romance)
JoAnn Hornak - Adventures of the Salsa Goddes
Rating: 3.5/5 (This one's pretty good.)
Lisa Jewell - One Hit Wonder
Rating: 3/5 (The twisting of the stories is what's interesting)

Okay, this book's definately for the horny ones :) Dawn Annandale - Call me Elizabeth.
Rating: 4.5/5 (Told you its for the horny ones!) A story about how a housewife resort to becoming a callgirl(aka prostitute) just to give her kids the best. Its pretty interesting to know what a callgirl's life a about. The few extracts I can remember from it are the couple that agreed to threesome, shoe fetish man, some maniac that got hand-calved but manage to get out on his own and twice when she actually got raped.

The fresh reads I got today. I felt Jodi's covers were pretty interesting and she got best-selling author for her novel - The Pact, which was out of stock. So decided maybe I could give her books a try.

Almost the entire collection, with a few books missing here and there.

This whole damn bloody entry took me 45minutes including uploading time etc. I've yet to do my blog skin, halfway through actually.

I HATE MY PANDA EYES. ANYONE WITH A REMEDY TO IT?

GOOD GRADES!

2006-03-04T12:58:00.000+08:00

Hooorays :D

I challenged luck and got my top 147 position in school, I'm finally improving. HELL GLAD! And I pass my chinese too, not any fantastic grade, but at least I'm kissing chinese GOODBYE for the rest of my life.

The conversation.
Mrs Wong: Must reward Gina with a good dinner for her hard work.
Mother: Dinner?! Gina only wants diamonds.
Me: Like okay.

I need my brows done badly, set my appointment yesterday, but I was far too late to turn up for it, the usual me. Chilled with kane, missed him a hell lot.

Him and his EXTRMEEEEE ED HARDY. Kane, its gay.

Thats me, looking fat.

My company, right.

My 2 babes and I.

I want my 3As! and an IMMEDIATE makeover.

Un-inspired for a title.

2006-02-20T19:30:00.000+08:00

With a blink of the eye, 1 day passes. With 2 blinks, 1 month zooms past.

I scored a damn F for gp, which really pulled the entire "satisfactory" down. Nevertheless, I shall begin working hard, from this instant. But anyway, we were forced to watch the dumbest show which I BET NO ONE COULD UNDERSTAND - Syriana. It was THAT boring that we left mid-way. Worse still, I spotted a guy with his mouth wide open nose up sleeping at the back.

I've decided to read psychology in university next year, thats provided that my grades are good enough to get me a place in the faculty. My dentist titled the course "for the psycho-freaks". Then again, its just a label. Going on to university means making new friends. New friends equates to more lies and pretence. I want people to see the REAL me, I just wanna strip myself off this facade.

The one whose so right, might just be the wrong one.

2006-02-19T11:28:00.000+08:00

So this valentines, I omitted the usual gender roles and opted for gender equality. Instead of the year-in year-out - guy gives girls flowers, girl exclaims and pretends she really loves it (okay, so I AM envious of such girls). I did a really sweet surprise.

From 3 late nights - 99 roses, hand-made.

Front view.

When the heart's being pooped out.

This inside.

From the top.

Adding to it, a banana-chocolate cake from awfully chocolate topped with a ring(leehwa) stuck in a strawberry. I surprised him at cosy bay with all the gifts, to my surprise it was actually the card that touched him.

Be my judge. Is it my stupidity thats causing this misery? Each time you lie, I tell myself its the last time you're gonna do so. But its simply the delusion of my in-complex mind. The cycle repeats, each time stabbing even deeper. I'm a girlfriend to be proud of, to show off, but if you'd rather hold on to your ego, leave by all means. You know what THE difficulty is? Being with a guy I could never trust again. Worse still, pretending I really do.

Ditch that matter. Moving on to my CT - so I did pretty well, overall satisfied.
Math - A
Chemistry - E
Biology - D
Okay, so they ain't any fabulous marks, but I gotta admit 50% came from luck.

Standing at an interchange, hoping I'd hop on the right bus this time.

You're rad and I'm rad.

2006-02-08T10:31:00.000+08:00

When the truth dawned upon me, I paced up and down my bedroom, taking faster and bigger footsteps each time. I didn't dare stop, in fear I'd just collapse and never get up again. I'm praying hard.

I'm down to my final paper for common tests 1, then its post-chinese new year shopping!

Had biology practical, but ended up fooling around.

Thats my worm experiment that got squished.

We came up with this.

And ended up with THE nipple.

I seriously need to kick that addiction of mine.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

2006-01-28T11:25:00.000+08:00

Shuffled between my guy's place and home the entire pre-chinese near year days. He was down with tonsilities. Apparently, well-recovered now when I've actually bothered getting back down and blogging.

Had one really rad CHINESE NEW YEAR. And for once, I did put in the effort to mingle with my fellow cousins, in a case of being called a snob year in year out. Okay, so I do confess of never bothering to.

Has anyone reckon reunion dinners were losing its meaning? Get your mind cracking, how often do you NOT have dinner with your family? Thats unless you reside really faraway. Nevertheless, its simply another night out for my family and I, pigging out at a widespread buffet.

I think I need a smile make-over, seriously.

My parents.

Day 1. The routine visiting. Red packets collected went badly, the usual 200bucks from my dad and 100bucks from the rest. Okay, so its the thought that counts. But instead of realising how unique the designs are, we just rip them open, dig the cash then dumb the useless trash. REALITY CHECK, which soul respects the red packet more than the money. Believe many others share my sentiments too :) Oh and visiting, it makes me nothing but an invisible-mute.

My mom's side cousins. In case you can't spot me, I'm the one with the ugly calves!

At the end of the day, I'm still me.

And one thing I really hate, is being stood up on. But anyway, post-chinese new year shopping after common tests!

FEELING GREAT.

2006-01-25T19:47:00.000+08:00

A time-out it is, guess it was all I could figure.
Absolutely stripped off the burden thats been haunting me for the past 2 months.

My current TO-DO-LIST for now:

1. MUG FOR COMMON TEST 1
2. Do post-CNY shopping
3. Curb my sip-on-alcohol-and-throw-up-immediately fear
4. Shed some pounds :)

For the time-being, thats about all.
Picked up a really sweet quote from my gp lecturer: "The only place to find virgin these days are at the kindergartens."

First and foremost.

2006-01-23T23:07:00.000+08:00

In case you ever stump across this entry, I'd like you to know, its meant for you.

Believe many of us think money makes to world go round, so did I. I've erred, which costed me a big loss. Its human nature to turn to greed, and god's punishment to me for to ever lose you. If you think money is the primary basis to make one happy, I beg to differ.

Countless body scrubs and mind-cleansing were made redundant to the invisible scars I've been stained with. "BITCH" is all you could label me.

We've been together for exactly a year and four months, as we go along, I witnessed the evolution of an innocent sweet puppy love to a complicated profuse upsetting relationship. I didn't exaclty feel the plus points of having a relationship, in fact, I experienced all the down sides of it.

I'm mad at myself, for allowing all the time wasted tossing and turning in my bed, pondering. I go to bed everynight, but never to fall alseep. I've always lust for the old you. I'd exchange anything for him to come back, simply anything. Apparently, you've become a monster I can hardly identify with, nothing I do will revive the kindess in you.

I missed old sweet times, where we'd never stop arguing over how many love bites we owed each other, midnight cycles, BBQs and our all time favourite stingrays. Whenever I teared, you know they were meant for you, you cuddled me up and hushed me down. You brought happiness to me with the snap of your fingers. Nothing was worth more than our million dollars smiles.

Everytime you screamed at me, you tear open an un-healed wound, it literally stings. It pains me to reckoned the fact that you no longer feel touched by the fact that I've emptied my tear ducts for you. Your harsh words replayed over and over in my mind, so deafening, but it was only I who could hear it. When I'm all determined to give it all up, you had to turn back, throw my mind and heart into a raging confusion, and eventually, my determination ceased and I go soft once again.

I've made the efforts, I've tried umpteen times. You're right, no matter how much I've done or do, nothing's going to stitch that opening of yours.

If I were a great scientist, I'd event a machine in which I could turn back time. So everytime a mistake was made, I could simply push a few buttons, and I'd be able to correct it. Unfortunately, I'm not.

I've set a personal goal - to recall all the sweet moments we shared only to feel a smile emerging between my lips.

I will not reminisce with tears, but instead, I'd capture the happiest moment we shared and deep root it at the back of my mind.